


i believe in something (i believe in us)

by dingletragedy



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fix-It, Love Confessions, M/M, it is Christmas after all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:08:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21916513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dingletragedy/pseuds/dingletragedy
Summary: In a different universe, a parallel dimension in which Ben is a braver version of himself, maybe he’d cup the back of Callum’s neck softly and melt their mouths together again.And then maybe they’d tread on light feet up to Callum’s room because the flat would be empty and they’d just kiss-and-kiss-and-kiss until their lungs burst, and then Ben would press his face into Callum’s neck and whisper I love you too, and Callum would say it back a thousand times over, and all the bad weight would lift, all the secrets and hate and revenge would dissipate, and there’d be no room left in Ben’s heart for anything other than Callum’s love.But Ben isn’t brave, not when it comes to Callum; when it comes to love. Instead, he stays silent, lips bitten so harshly into his mouth he tastes blood, eyes swimming until he can hardly see, and he lets the tears rest in a sheen over his eyes until the world is blurry and the fairy lights become distant stars in the sky.or, a fix-it fic of that heartbreaking breakup
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 18
Kudos: 139





	i believe in something (i believe in us)

**Author's Note:**

> hello!!!! this is canon compliment until callum chases ben out of the flat and then it’s all a little softer than what we actually saw on friday! 
> 
> also i haven’t actually proof read this because i’m just on my way to the christmas markets so sorry for any mistakes! 
> 
> i hope you all enjoy it and have the MOST wonderful christmas!!!! big love to you all <33

There’s a chill curling around the night, similar to the one holding place in Ben’s heart. Through the fog of his own breath all the street’s fairylights tinge the night sky in reds and blues and greens, bright yet soft, gentle yet demanding, and there’s the hum of Christmas carols, the lyrics blurring with the wind, only interrupted by the sounds of laughter seeping out through the pub door. There’s so many things going on in so many directions and it’s too loud. It’s too much. And then, to add to his torment, he hears hurried footsteps catching up behind. 

He’d know those footsteps anywhere, he’s become so used to hearing them; the gentle _thud-thud_ of Callum creeping across the landing at the Beale’s house, careful not to awake a finally sleeping Lexi. The harsher, hurried footsteps that pass across the square each morning as Callum smashes his personal running targets as Ben watches on from the bedroom window, appreciating only one thing. 

But before Ben can let himself sink deeper into those thoughts, before he lets his mind wander to the one place he can’t allow it, _Callum’s heart_ , his heart, there’s a hand to Ben’s wrist, pulling with intent until suddenly they’re face-to-face, teary eye-to-teary eye, and Ben know what’s coming before Callum even opens his mouth. “Please, Ben, don’t go.” And then, the quietest, most broken whispered, _“I meant it, I love you.”_  
  
And just like that, all sound is sucked away, all air gone, all lights smashed, and it’s just the echo of those words in Ben’s mind, bundled with an explosion of static and distant Christmas carols, surging and swirling in his mind, dragging him somewhere dark and unknown. _I love you I love you I love you._ He manages to keep his body lax, his breath steady, but there’s a thundering weight in his chest, heart sinking into his stomach, stomach rising into his chest, and along the way everything gets muddled and tangled together. Callum is still crying, muffled and begging in front of Ben, he sound choked as he tries to keep himself quiet, and Ben’s own eyes are filling with misty tears, burning hot. He closes his eyes against them and wills the world away. 

This is the part where Ben should say it back, he should bundle Callum up in his arms and wipe his tears away and whisper those three words that have been whirling around his mind for weeks on end. He should’ve done it sooner really, should’ve laid his soul bare in the most intimate way, should’ve shared his secrets and stories and truths with Callum, somewhere warm and soft under the covers, but he’s been holding back for one reason or another. _Still is._

Maybe in a different universe, a parallel dimension in which Ben is a braver version of himself, maybe he’d cup the back of Callum’s neck softly and melt their mouths together again. 

And then maybe they’d tread light feet up to Callum’s room because the flat would be empty and they’d just _kiss-and-kiss-and-kiss_ until their lungs burst, and then Ben would press his face into Callum’s neck and whisper _I love you too,_ and Callum would say it back a thousand times over, and all the bad weight would lift. All the secrets and lies and revenge would dissipate, and there’d be no room left in Ben’s heart for anything other than Callum’s love. 

But Ben isn’t brave, not when it comes to Callum; nor when it comes to _love_. Instead, he stays silent, lips bitten so harshly into his mouth he tastes blood, eyes swimming until he can hardly see, and he lets the tears rest in a sheen over his eyes until the world is blurry and the fairy lights become distant stars in the sky.  
  
He should be relieved, he should be happy, _so happy_ , that someone as brilliant as Callum, as bright and beautiful as Callum, loves him too, but instead he feels devastated. Not for himself, but for Callum. He’s wanted to hear those words for so long, and he thinks he’s probably been hearing it underneath everything between them for a while now. But now that they’re here, overturned and dancing amongst on the Christmas lights, exposed and swirling around the air, he feels a strange panic settling in his chest. 

_Callum loves him._ He loves Ben and he shouldn’t. He shouldn’t because Ben will ruin him, he’ll ruin him like he ruins everything, and Callum is — he’s too much for that, he’s too much for Ben to ruin. 

_He can’t._

_He won’t._

“No, you don’t,” Ben whispers eventually, the word catching on that last gust of wind and wrapping around the square, mocking him. Callum’s gaze snaps to him, wide-eyed and shocked and broken because—well, he obviously wasn’t expecting Ben to say that. And yeah, maybe that’s every reason Ben has to do this. 

“What?” Callum breathes, tears beading in the corners of his eyes, matching Ben’s own. “Don’t—don’t do that Ben. Don’t tell me how I feel. I know how I feel and I _know_ that I _love_ you. I ain't ever been more sure of anything in my life.”

“Fine,” Ben replies trying to calm him, chest aching at the way Callum's eyes spill over. He’s about seven seconds from falling at Callum’s feet. “Fine. You love me. But you shouldn’t. _You shouldn’t._ ” 

“What’s that even supposed to mean, Ben? God, who cares about what we should and shouldn’t do? I love you, and I know you love me too, isn’t that enough?”  
  
Ben lets out a long breath, puts his palms to his eyes, digs in just harshly enough that he stays seeing starts; seeing Callum and that brilliant smile and everything he _loves_ about him. He’s almost waiting for Callum’s fingers to circle his wrists and press his hands over his heart instead, say something completely soppy like; _take it, take my heart, don’t you see it belongs to you?_

But nothing comes, and Ben’s glad for it really, because he wouldn’t be able to do what he’s about to do if Callum so much as _uttered_ another word right now.  
  
“This isn’t love, Callum,” he says, voice muffled behind his hands. Callum takes a step back from him then, recoils, as if he’s just been burnt, and Ben supposes he has, because he feels the fire too. 

And Callum just stares, silently, open-mouthed, for so long, and he’s crying now, tiny tears pooling in the corners of his eyes and drooping along his cheeks. Ben hates it. Hates himself 

“How can you say that?” Callum whispers as he wipes the next lone tear from his cheek, the words are choked and lost under the notes of Silent Night, lost under the _calm, bright, and tender,_ and _fuck_ , Ben always did hate this song. “How can you say that—after— _after everything?”_  
  
“Because it’s true,” he says, chest heaving with it as he turns his face, fingers curling into loose fists against his cheek. Callum shakes his head, shakes it so much Ben is worried for the headache he must be causing himself. “This can’t—can’t be love—because I ruin everything I love, Callum. I am not going to ruin you, and I am not going to watch you get ruined.”

“If this ain’t love, why are we still here right now? Still fighting it?” Callum says, wrecked and broken, voice strained from his crying. “If it ain’t love, why are you pushing me away in some stupid attempt to try and save me? If it ain’t love, why did you let me into all the things you keep private from everyone else? Why have we been planning our first Christmas together? Why have you let me become part of your family, Lexi’s family? If you don’t love me, why have I spent the last few months falling deeper and deeper in love with you every day?”

It’s all Ben can do to stare at him, blinking slowly as Callum speaks, voice getting louder and louder, rough and shaking like it’s being torn from his throat, broken apart by hiccuped, hurting sobs, face shiny wet under the moonlight, shoulders shaking with everything that’s pouring out of him. And it hurts Ben so much to see, it hurts so much, and how can he deny that? Any of it? Because God, he loves Callum.

"What we have is special, Ben, it's special and real and beautiful. Don't pretend it's nothing. Don't treat me as if I'm this naive little kid who doesn't know what he's feeling. I know, and it's _love,"_ Callum adds _,_ finally looking up back up. Ben reluctantly meets his eyes. They’re so sharp and icy, even here out, where things are so inherently dark. Full of questions. Full of pleads _. Full of pain._

“Callum—,” he tried weakly, and those tears misting in Ben’s eyes are spilling over now, he just wants to take Callum’s hand and lead him home, cup his jaw and tell him he loves him too, give Callum the answer he’s desperately searching Callum’s eyes for, because if he can’t have Callum, if be doesn’t have this, then what does he have? 

_His Dad and some nasty revenge plan?_

_What kind of life is that?_

“Or is it just me? I am the problem? You—you just don’t want me anymore?" Callum questions then, Ben flicks his eyes up to meet Callum's, blinking out of his thoughts.   
  
And there are tears in his eyes again.  
  
_Ben’s too._  
  
“I do—I do want you, God Callum, of course I do but—.” He cuts himself off and shakes his head, running his free hand through is hair roughly. The words are strangled, sounds the way he imagines a broken violin might, a string too taught. The fear he recognises in his voice overwhelms him like a current, dragging him away from the place he wants to be, yet closer to the words he’s so scared to speak.

“But what, Ben?” Callum grits out, growing impatient.  
  
_Silence_.  
  
Callum raises an eyebrow and widens his eyes, pushing him to continue.  
  
_Silence._  
  
“Yeah, that’s exactly what I thought,” he says with a coldness Ben didn’t think someone who shines so brightly was capable of.  
  
“Callum, please—,” Ben mutters wildly, arrested by the flash of tears in Callum’s eyes.  
  
“Then be honest, with me Ben, please. Why are you so desperate to ruin what we’ve got?” Callum’s saying, voice shaky like Ben’s own hands. And that toes the line of being too much. There’s too much bubbling inside of Ben right now and he doesn’t know how to control it. The weights are shifting and Ben can almost sense himself letting go. 

“You deserve someone good, Callum. Someone who ain’t going to mess you up.” Ben says as means of explanation, and he knows it’s a weak attempt, but he’s slipping closer to the precipice with each second. 

“What does that even mean Ben? Stop making excuses!”

“I’m not—I—I'm not good for you and love isn't good for me.” He replies and he’s not sure he’s ever heard himself sound this small. 

“What you said, earlier, about my world being warm and soft and whatever,” Callum starts, seemingly ignoring Ben’s previous point. “You were right, it is all of those things, and so much more. It’s bright, and it’s brilliant, and it’s beautiful. But that’s all down to you, Ben.” 

“Don’t be daft. That ain’t what I meant.”

“Well it’s what I mean. And it’s the truth. I was so lonely before you came along, Ben. My heart trapped in a cage. But you let that light in. Gid, Ben, you’ve flooded my world with so much light; I ain’t lonely anymore, I ain’t scared, I’m me. Because of you, I’m me. Without you Ben, I don’t know if I’d ever be me again.” 

“You don’t know that, Callum.”

“You’re my light, Ben” Callum says, and it’s too much. Ben looks away, he tilted up, out to the sky, where the stars are buried. Eventually, he whispers: “And you’re mine.” 

“Then why are you doing this?” 

“To save you. To _protect_ you.” 

“I don’t need protecting from you, Ben!” 

“You can’t guarantee that!” 

“Alright then,” Callum says, voice stronger than ever before. “Protect me. Protect me by being by my side. Protect me by not leaving me alone, Ben.”

“It ain’t that simple,” he replies. “Life never is.”

“I love you,” Callum says, and there those three words again, they seep through Ben, like chemicals burning his bloodstream. “Why does anything else have to matter?”

“This—me—us, _love_ , it could get you hurt, in the end.”

“I knew what I was getting involved with when I started going out with you, Ben,” he says.

“Promised you I wasn’t just saying what you wanted to hear didn’t I?” Ben counters. “Already gone and broken that haven’t I?”

“You meant it when you said it, right?” Ben nods. “Then I know that this thing, with Jack and your Dad and whoever else, is bigger than that. I know that you wouldn’t break that promise for just anything Ben. And I’m worried about you. I want to help you.” 

“Helping me ain’t worth it,” Ben retorts, and it’s true. He ain’t worth of Callum’s unfaltering love and support. “This—this thing, it could get so messy. People are going to get hurt and it ain’t going to be pretty. And if you know, if you know then it could end up ruining your career dreams; your life And I won’t be able to stop it, Callum.”

“Then whatever happens, is going to happen,” Callum says simply. “I love you enough to risk it, Ben.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Maybe not. But right now, I don’t care. We’ll talk through all that tomorrow, tonight I just want you to come home with me," Callum answers back, and his voice is wet now, tight as more tears come. 

And with that, hope, like a flower after rain, opens and blooms and takes root in Ben’s chest, and for once, it’s not rooted in fear.

“I’m sorry I keep doing this to you, I—” Ben hiccups, sniffs, covers his mouth and speaks through his fingers. “I was trying to keep you from getting hurt but then I hurt you anyway, and—that hurts more.” 

Callum cuts him off by grabbing his hand, knitting their fingers together, holding on like it’s the anchor they both need. He can feel Callum’s pulse thudding wildly, his own heartbeat in his ears, in time and as one. 

They watch each other in silence, chests heaving, faces shining in the dark, until finally, Ben’s body obeys him, every cell of him united in the single purpose of having Callum back in his arms. “Callum,” he's saying, whispering, repeating over and over until Callum looks him in the eye. “Cal—”

He feels Callum glance down at him, but Be. just keeps his eyes on the ground, feels his heart sitting heavy in his chest. Slowly, so slowly, Callum presses his hands under his chin and lifts it delicately. His face is wet with tears, eyes red, and he leans forward, careful, slow, until their foreheads are touching. Ben doesn't stop him. Never could. 

It's into the bubble of air between them that Ben breathes, whispers, and says: “I’m sorry,” and it’s like a bullet, tears through the square, travelling so fast, with only one target in mind. “Cal, I’m so—” he cuts himself off, squeezes his eyes shut, sees stars in the corners of his vision and realises he hasn’t taken a breath yet. 

“I don’t know what to do,” Ben continues. “I don’t know how to make this better, how to make it work. But I do—Callum—God, I do. I love you.” he trails off, bites his lip. 

“I know, Ben, I know you do.”

“I’d give you the world if I could.”

“And I’d follow you to the ends of the earth.” 

“Say it again.”  
  
“I love you,” Callum says, without hesitation. “I love you, Ben. I've loved you this whole time and I’ll love you all my life. _I love you.”_ _  
_ _  
_ Between one breath and the next, Ben cups Callum’s face in hands - and kisses him. The music he continues, thumping along with their rhythm as their lips press in whispers. The moonlight lets them glow and ebb. _A Christmas miracle, some might say._

Callum tugs him closer then, wet and open-mouthed, and their lips fold together like honey, syrupy slow and sated, glazed in sugar and all things sweet, irresistible. “Love you,” Be. whispers, quick and swallowed straight up by a kiss.

And right then, all is blessedly quiet, like the world is just for them, just for this moment. There’s no Dads, no revenge plans, no shoulds or shouldn’t; just the two of them. _In love._

It still scares Ben, how much he feels for Callum, how this boy makes him feel so soft, and warm, when there’s so much bad in the world. So much as in Ben’s world. But there’s so much good too, he’s come to realise. And maybe, just maybe ready to be taken apart now. “Stay,” Callum whispers, voice tightly coiled like there are fingers pressed up against the curves of his throat. The words flutter over Ben’s lips. “Please.”  
  
“Always,” Ben drops one final firm kiss to his lips, turns his palms to tangle their fingers together properly. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Falling in love is as easy as releasing the shutter on a camera. Developing the entire picture may take a little more time and effort. But the picture will be worth in the end.

**Author's Note:**

> i’m @dingletragedy on tumblr! Xx


End file.
